Ye've Ten Days t' Get Aboard!

Aye, it be that time again! Extract yerselves from the dens o' iniquity (where ye've been discussing philosophy o'er the finest wine, right? Right?). Send me a link to yer finest Elitist Bastardry no later than Friday, August 28th. We be sailin' wi' Captain Stephanie from Quiche Moraine, and she be intendin' to sail wi' a full crew.

For those o' ye who've watched the Bastards sail and think ye might be o' proper caliber for such an illustrious crew, here be the requirements:

1. Pick a blog post o' yours that hits the stupid where it hurts.

2. Send us the link.

That be it.

See ye aboard!

Carnival of the Elitist Bastards XV: Storm the Beaches!

COTEB XV be up at the Coffee-Stained Writer. Captain NP threw us a beach party worthy o' the name o' Elitist Bastard!

So rather than hopping from port to port, we'll be hopping from lounger to lounger, towel to towel, taking in the relaxed, rum-drunk rhetoric of our crew, giving them a bit of a break before they take back to the choppy waters that will be sure to meet them next month.

Aye, I feel refreshed already! Grab yer cocktail and join us on the beach for a bit o' well-deserved R&R. Huzzah!

Last Chance to Get Yer Treasure Aboard

NP be takin' all the Elitist Bastards she can muster aboard. Ye don't want to miss a nice trip to the beach, now, do ye? Get yer best elitist bastardry submitted to elitistbastardscarnival@gmail.com by end o' day Friday so ye're assured plenty o' sand, sun and rum.

Besides, ye don't want to miss yer chance to sunbathe with a celebrity, do ye? That's right - we have a new sailor this time out, and he be famous among skeptics. Ye'll be tellin' yer grandchildren about the time ye sailed alongside o' the illustrious Pirate X - but only if ye get aboard the ship on time.

Git Yer Bums on t' Beach!

NP be docking the HMS Elitist Bastard and takin' the crew out for a little R n R on the beach. Ye know ye'll want t' be a part o' that! All ye have to do in order to enjoy a wee bit o' sun and fun is get yer submission in to elitistbastardscarnival@gmail.com by the end o' day Friday, July 24th.

For those o' ye who've never yet sailed wi' us, 'tis simplicity itself. Here be the simple requirements:

1. Pick a blog post o' yours that hits the stupid where it hurts.

2. Send us the link.

That be it.

For some Elitist Bastard inspiration, ye can peruse Roger Ebert's fine demonstration here. He be one o' us, as Captain Blake mentioned to me.

Which brings me to our next subject: if ye're raidin' the blogosphere and come across a fine bit o' elitist bastardry, ye can send us the link for press gangin' purposes. As long as it's in by Monday, I can wrestle the unsuspecting soul aboard.

We also be runnin' low on Captains, so if ye want to helm the ship, send me word.

That be it. I expect an inbox flooded with Elitist Bastardry come the deadline. Don't miss the beach party the way ye missed Captain John's birthday party.

Carnival of the Elitist Bastards XIV: ARRRGGGG!

COTEB XIV be up at Captain John's place, and now I be understandin' why so many o' ye missed the boat. 'Tis better if ye drink yer grog in pints, not barrels, me hearties.

Still an' all, we ended up with a robust (if groaning) crew, and Captain John's birthday sailing proved a rousing success.

Special thanks this voyage to George at Decrepit Old Fool, Steve at Science-Based Medicine, Barbara at ICBS Everywhere, Z from It's the Thought that Counts, Heather from Steingruebl World Enterprises, and Cujo359 from Slobber and Spittle. Ye did yer ship proud, sailors!

I hope those o' ye we press-ganged be flattered. Ye wouldn't have wanted to miss the party, now, would ye?

Let's have a rousing cheer for Captain John, who helmed the ship on his birthday, and ensured smooth sailing - always important for those wi' a bit o' a hangover!

HUZZAH!

I Am A Disappointed Admiral - and Somewhere, a Pirate Lawyer is Crying

Look what you've done to poor Captain John:


Yes, you. You know how many Elitist Bastards answered this months' call?

4.

People. Not only is there an infinity of stupidity needing bashing out there, you've all let John down on his birthday.

I'm so disappointed I can't even talk pirate right now. And Captain John - well, here's a reconstruction of his current state:


This situation must be rectified. If you merely forgot to submit, get your submission in to elitistbastardscarnival@gmail.com immediately. If you didn't think you had anything worth submitting, find something anyway - you're Elitist Bastards, your every word drips with immeasurable intellect. If you're new and have no idea what's going on, here are the requirements:

1. Pick one (or more) of your blog posts that blasts ignorance or celebrates some aspect of wisdom, or if you're really ambitious, does both.

2. Send us the link.

Is that hard? Not at all. Do you have any excuse not to submit a post? None.

I want the COTEB inbox full to the bursting. You have until Sunday morning to wriggle back into John's and my good graces. Otherwise, you will have to live with the fact that you've made John sad on his birthday.

Yer Captain's Got a Motivational Speech for Ye

I'll take it as a personal affront if there is not a plethora of material. You don't want a lawyer with delusions of being a pirate to be pissed at you.

Besides, it's my birthday and, if it isn't a good Carnival, I might cry. If there's anything that you don't want to see more than a pissed lawyer with delusions of being a pirate, its a lawyer with delusions of being a pirate crying.

He be right about that, me hearties. I think ye'd better get yer Elitist Bastardly links in to elitistbastardscarnival@gmail.com as soon as possible. If ye're any later than Friday night, a fate worse than drowning in an ocean o' stupidity may befall us.

We Be Deploying Soon!

Captain John Pieret be looking for a few good Elitist Bastards for this month's voyage of the HMS Elitist Bastard. I know it be short notice, but I also know that most o' ye haven't been on vacation, so ye've got plenty o' Elitist Bastardry lying about yer blogs. Get those links in to mailto:%20elitistbastardscarnival@gmail.com by end o' day this Friday, the 26th o' June. Let's ensure Captain John sails wi' a full ship.

Carnival of the Elitist Bastards XIII: Ports o' Call

COTEB XIII be up at En Tequila Es Verdad, me hearties. Yo, ho!

Last Day to Bring Me Yer Treasures

Well, I be gettin' ahead o' meself, since I haven't got much o' yer booty yet. Be gettin' those links in to elitistbastardscarnival@gmail.com by the end o' the day Friday. I plan to have this ship's hold full o' Elitist Bastardry. Don't make me sail over to yer blog and raid ye, now!

For those o' ye wondering what ye should submit, here be the simple requirements:

1. Pick a blog post o' yours that hits the stupid where it hurts.

2. Send it in.

That be it. And I don't want to hear yer excuses - I been readin' yer blogs, and I know each and every one o' ye's already posted some fine elitist bastardry.

I'll see ye all aboard come Saturday, or I'll be boarding ye come Saturday, whichever's required.