Carnival of the Elitist Bastards V: Gone Cruisin'

Aye, my darlings, the crew of the HMS Elitist Bastard is all aboard The Coffee-Stained Writer's Caribbean Elite, and we be savoring the luxury. Captain NP, who worked herself to the bone and delivered a brilliant Carnival of the Elitist Bastards, has the full report of our carousing.

Look on her works, ye landlubbers, and admire!


Our celebrated return:

Where Be Ye, My Elitist Bastards?

It's time to go a-cruisin', but I don't spy many o' ye on the docks. What, are ye too elitist to enjoy a good cruise? Do ye think that just because we're sailing in luxury means we're on vacation? Nay, ye elitist dogs! There's still a job o' work to be done!

We may be enjoyin' our own little world aboard ship, full o' feasting and drinking, but we still be sailin' the seas o' ignorance. We be needing a boatload o' wisdom to counter it.

So, my swarthy crew, get your posts in to elitistbastardscarnival@gmail.com by this Friday eve. 'Tis all right if ye choose a post from the days o' yore instead o' penning something new. Wisdom be timeless. I know ye've got something ye be proud of, a piece o' writing so cunning you could pin a tail on it and call it a weasel!

Ye don't want to be left on the docks while the rest o' us drink all the good liquor. All aboard!

Admiral Dana Missing in Action: Captain NP Steps in to the Breach

Caught in a vicious cycle of trainwreck politics, a tremendous bout of homesickness, lovely perimenopausal moodswings, and intimations of the mortality of my cat (though she rallied quickly, no worries), I've been extremely remiss in my duties as Admiral of the HMS Elitist Bastard lately.

For one thing, I haven't yet mentioned that you've got just under two weeks to get on board.

For another, I haven't been posting the news from the EP wires.

Bad Admiral. No grog.

You guys are going to love this next theme:

EP--The Caribbean Elite, a new luxury liner catering exclusively to the elite, is being prepared for its maiden voyage on September 27th. Captain NP, unavailable for comment, is creating the guest list for the first voyage. She has been meeting with various elitists to discuss the cruise, as well as their qualifications for being admitted to the ship. It has been rumored the guest list will need to be finalized by September 26th for the voyage the next day. The elitists who have met with NP declined to comment on the impending maiden voyage of the controversial luxury liner.

Luxury fucking liner, my swarthy crew. We've bloody well earned it, wouldn't you say?

We get to leave the HMS Elitist Bastard in her berth and go cruising. We'll be sprawled in the lap of luxury, eating bon bons and five-course dinners and drinking like alcoholic fish. And, of course, this being an Elitist Bastard cruise, the conversation will be as delicious as the food.

You can get more news from the EP Wire Service here, and an eyeful of particularly sexy Elitist Bastard Piratry here.

Send in your submissions and get ready to set sail in splendid comfort, me hearties.

Pressing Issues

Our own amazing John Pieret has an intriguing idea:

It may be high time for the good captains of the good ship Elitist Bastard to institute press gangs to help man the yardarms.

Considering who he wants to press-gang, I think he's on to something... Go. Read. Return.

What say you all? Who would you like to see shanghai'd?