Carnival of the Elitist Bastards VIII: To Boldly Go

The HMS Elitist Bastard leaves the high seas for deep space over at Submitted to a Candid World. Captain Ames helms the ship as we explore strange new worlds, seek out ignorance, and then blast it into oblivion with phasers set to "vaporize." The only question remaining unanswered: how good is Ames at the Picard Maneuver?

Set a course for wisdom. Warp factor 9. Engage.

12 Days o' Piratemas

Aye, that be Captain Ames summoning ye, and ye've got only twelve days before we sail! Get your elitist bastardry aboard by December 26th. I expect to see mailto:%20elitistbastardscarnival@gmail.com filled to the bursting wi' submissions - I know ye've got it in ye.

Ye wouldn't want to miss this sailing, my swarthy crew. It be Piratemas!

Carnival of the Elitist Bastards VII: Storming the High Seas

Stormy weather delayed the launch, but the HMS Elitist Bastard has sailed from port at Cafe Philos. Captain Paul returns us to the core of our mission, and has the line that encapsulates it all:

Nothing spells elitist like changing the world for the better.

Precisely.

Go. Read. Get inspired, and change the world.

Ahoy, There! The Ship Be Sailin' Tomorrow!

Ye don't want to miss the boat, now, do ye? I know ye be nursin' a turkey hangover, an' ye might be wonderin' where all the rum's gone, but elitist bastards stop for no ill and no holiday. Get yer links in to me, or ye'll be regrettin' it. I'll be watchin' for ye until the clock strikes midnight.

NaNo sufferers - I know ye don't be havin' time for articles. We'll take a snippet o' prose instead. I be thinkin' that'll be elitist bastardly enough.

Shore Leave Be Over

We put the dogs o' ignorance to rout and fired their ships, but the mission o' the HMS Elitist Bastard tisn't over! Aye, and the wise Captain Paul from Café Philos be callin' ye to arms. We set sail once again on November 29th. Muster the best o' your elitist bastardry and get yourselves aboard by the 28th. Send all o' yer links to me, and take pride in the name of elitist bastardry!

COTEB VI: We Be Sailin' the Wine Dark Seas

Carnival of the Elitist Bastards VI be up at Captain John Pieret's. Be ye ready for an epic tale. A poet he is, aye, and a bard Homer himself would admire.

It Be Time

Today be the last day to bring Captain John yer treasure. Send me yer links, ye Elitist Bastards!

Honorary Elitist Bastard

Cujo359 of Slobber and Spittle nominates Detroit Free Press columnist Mitch Albom as an Honorary Elitist Bastard for his post "Average Joe can't fix America's pipes."

Look. There is a reason we call "the average guy" average. Because he's in the middle. Average. When you aim for the White House, to lead the free world, to hold the fate of the Earth in your hands, you shouldn't aspire to average. And this election shouldn't be about average.

Don't get me wrong. Plumbers, when you need them, are more desirable than presidents. I, personally, would be underwater in my home if not for my plumber.

But in politics, we overdo the small picture because we get bored with the big picture. Our eyes glaze over when candidates talk policy. The devil is in the details, but we're not interested in the devil. We'd rather watch, be entertained, be told a story.

This rather goes along with my belief that the person we elect should be extraordinary. I work with a lot of "average Americans." I troubleshoot the phones of many "average Americans." I spent many years of my life processing the orders of many small business owners. And I can tell you: the idea of choosing a president based on his "average guy" qualities scares me shitless.

We need far more than average when we place the fate of this country in someone's hands.

Average has been fetishized to the point of absurdity. The assault on intellect, the demonization of knowledge, and the worship of the lowest common denominator has gotten frightening.

And that's why we're here, my swarthy crew. We know that aspiring to the mundane does nothing for humanity. Wasting away in the doldrums of the average gets us nowhere. Deliberately refusing to fill our sails with genius and sail toward brilliant achievement just because not everyone can get there is pathetically limiting. We should aspire. We should inspire.

Average is the backbone of any society. But it takes more than a backbone to run a civilization: it takes brains.

Huzzah to Mitch Albom for making that case so succinctly.

Ahoy, Elitist Bastards! Captain John Be Lookin' For Ye

It be time for us to muster up once more:

The Sixth Carnival of Elitist Bastards is due to sail on October 25th from Port Haystack.

I know that there are a lot of bastards out there who'd like to show up the stupidity, ignorance and dishonesty currently masquerading as "small town values," "common sense" and "teaching the controversy."

Here's your opportunity. Get busy on exposing the so-called "thinking" that deserves to be looked down on and extolling what truly is elite: learning, logic and science.

Send your debunkings and other demolitions to elitistbastardscarnival@gmail.com no later than October 24th (though, in kindness to a certain Ancient Mariner, early entries are preferred). And, if you see some internet article or posting particularly fitting to sail on our voyage, please pass a long the link, as our press gang is always on the lookout for hands to ... er ... volunteer.

Don't ye be lettin' Captain John down, or ye'll soon be regretting it. There be an ocean o' ignorance out there, me hearties. It be our duty to rescue the treasure o' wisdom from their dens o' inanity.

Eggheads, UNITE!

Carnival of the Elitist Bastards V: Gone Cruisin'

Aye, my darlings, the crew of the HMS Elitist Bastard is all aboard The Coffee-Stained Writer's Caribbean Elite, and we be savoring the luxury. Captain NP, who worked herself to the bone and delivered a brilliant Carnival of the Elitist Bastards, has the full report of our carousing.

Look on her works, ye landlubbers, and admire!


Our celebrated return: