Admiral Dana Missing in Action: Captain NP Steps in to the Breach

Caught in a vicious cycle of trainwreck politics, a tremendous bout of homesickness, lovely perimenopausal moodswings, and intimations of the mortality of my cat (though she rallied quickly, no worries), I've been extremely remiss in my duties as Admiral of the HMS Elitist Bastard lately.

For one thing, I haven't yet mentioned that you've got just under two weeks to get on board.

For another, I haven't been posting the news from the EP wires.

Bad Admiral. No grog.

You guys are going to love this next theme:

EP--The Caribbean Elite, a new luxury liner catering exclusively to the elite, is being prepared for its maiden voyage on September 27th. Captain NP, unavailable for comment, is creating the guest list for the first voyage. She has been meeting with various elitists to discuss the cruise, as well as their qualifications for being admitted to the ship. It has been rumored the guest list will need to be finalized by September 26th for the voyage the next day. The elitists who have met with NP declined to comment on the impending maiden voyage of the controversial luxury liner.

Luxury fucking liner, my swarthy crew. We've bloody well earned it, wouldn't you say?

We get to leave the HMS Elitist Bastard in her berth and go cruising. We'll be sprawled in the lap of luxury, eating bon bons and five-course dinners and drinking like alcoholic fish. And, of course, this being an Elitist Bastard cruise, the conversation will be as delicious as the food.

You can get more news from the EP Wire Service here, and an eyeful of particularly sexy Elitist Bastard Piratry here.

Send in your submissions and get ready to set sail in splendid comfort, me hearties.

Pressing Issues

Our own amazing John Pieret has an intriguing idea:

It may be high time for the good captains of the good ship Elitist Bastard to institute press gangs to help man the yardarms.

Considering who he wants to press-gang, I think he's on to something... Go. Read. Return.

What say you all? Who would you like to see shanghai'd?

Carnival of the Elitist Bastards IV

The fourth sailing of the HMS Elitist Bastard is now underway with the incomparable Captain Blake Stacey at the helm.

I'm not going to give away what he's done. Just go. Read. Admire!

Ye Haven't Got Long, Ye Elitist Bastards!

Captain Blake Stacey be expectin' ye - and ye don't want to disappoint Captain Stacey.

Nay, indeed! The only thing bigger than himself is his brain, and he be looking for Elitist Bastard submissions to feed that monstrous intellect o' his.

He'll be taking the HMS Elitist Bastard to sea on August 30th. You'd best be on deck and reporting for duty by August 29th, then, me brilliant bastards. Send those submissions, or ye'll be wishing ye did!

Ahoy the Ship!

The third voyage of the HMS Elitist Bastard has just sailed at Pharyngula.

My darlings... we have a long way to go before we can match PZ for elitistism or bastardry. But I have a cunning two-fold plan, "a plan so cunning you could stick a tail on it and call it a weasel."

Firstly, as we celebrate this sailing, we ensure we buy PZ many drinks for his selfless service. Many strong drinks.

Secondly, we take some lessons in bastardry from Blackadder.

Let the lesson begin...

Sailing this Saturday? Please Read!

In light of what Bill Donahue's minions have done to PZ's inbox, it might be a very good idea for any Elitist Bastards planning to sail this weekend to send their links over to elitistbastardscarnival@gmail.com. I've only got ten of you so far: I'm sure there's more. Let's make sure no one gets left on the docks because of Bill's fainting fit.

If you sent your link to both boxes, you're good to go. We'll see you on the ship this Saturday!

For those of you who haven't submitted yet, I'd suggest getting those links in by Thursday. Which means I'd best stop yammering at you and get to bloody work.

See you on board!

The Captain's Calling For Ye!

Captain PZ Myers demands more submissions:

I'm hosting the next Carnival of the Elitist Bastards on 26 July, and the submissions are barging in to my mailbox and demanding my attention…but I need more. I want a legion of arrogant SOBs making noise. So send me more links…don't be shy (hah!).

A legion he wants and a legion he shall have. There's still time! Dig out a past post if you haven't time to write a new one. You're Elitist Bastards: something you've written in the past will pass muster! Pull an all-nighter, whatever you must do: just answer your captain's call by this Friday!




(Tip o' the tricorn to Slybird for the photo suggestion)

Muster Up, Ye Elitist Bastards!

We're about to cast off at Pharyngula, my swarthy crew! Get your submissions in to pzmyers@gmail.com, and just to be sure, what with all those angry Catholics flooding his inbox, ye'd better get them to elitistbastardscarnival@gmail.com, too. Wouldn't do to leave a fine Elitist Bastard standing dockside, now, would it?

See ye on board!

Capitans y Reservas!

The ayes have it: The Carnival of the Elitist Bastards is staying monthly, at least for now. That means I have many captains and not enough ship. As Rowan Atkinson so memorably said, "I'm afraid I'll have to split you into groups."



Captains for the next nine months are as follows:

July 26th - PZ Myers, Pharyngula

August 30th - Blake Stacey, Science After Sunclipse

September 27th - NP, The Coffee-Stained Writer

October 25th - John Pieret, Thoughts in a Haystack

November 29th - Paul Sunstone, Café Philos

December 27th - Ames, Submitted to a Candid World

January 31st - Efrique, Ecstathy

February 28th - Chaos Lee, The Chaos Hangover

March 28th - Atheist Chaplain, So You Think I'm a Barstard

A lot of worthy names didn't make that list for an excellent reason: I'm keeping you in reserve.

Reserve officers are essential in any enterprise. Should we lose a captain, you're there to step up to the helm. Should this thing take off beyond all reasonable expectations and we be forced to set sail every two weeks, I have a ready pool of captains to pull from rather than frantically searching for warm bodies. And if neither of these things happen, you'll still be helming the ship: it just won't be within the next nine months.

With that much organized, I think it's time for a rousing sea chanty:

What Say You All?

It's time for the swarthy crew of the HMS Elitist Bastard to throw hats in the air and shout "HUZZAH!" Your hard work and elite contributions have made both of this great ship's voyages rousing successes.

Thanks to PZ Myers, our intrepid cephalopod capitan for July, COTEB has gotten the recognition it deserves. I can only imagine what's going to happen after he's helmed the ship!

Those two things combined means I've gathered a list of captains that would take us into 2010. And that leads me to a very important question: do you, my dearest Elitist Bastards, think we start sailing every two weeks come this fall?

I'll post the schedule once the ayes and nays have had their say.