To Yer Posts, Sailors!

It be that time again!  Time for ye to pick yer best elitist bastardry and get aboard!  We be sailin' Christmas weekend, if time an' tides be on our sides.  Get yer links in to me no later than end o' day December 26th.  We be sailin' out from Last Hussar's Barracks, and ye don't want to be late when ye're dealin' wi' a captain named Last Hussar, now, do ye?

If ye've never sailed before, here's how it be done:

1. Pick a blog post o' yours that hits the stupid where it hurts.

2. Send us the link at elitistbastardscarnival@gmail.com.

That be it.  Simple enough, innit?

And if ye see a bit o' elitist bastardry while ye be out and about on the intertoobz, be sure to send us the link.  A crew's just not complete without a few press-ganged folk.

See ye aboard!

Carnival of the Elitist Bastards XIX: Here Be Monsters

The ship has sailed, me hearties! Captain Stephanie has delivered an epic tale in which buckles be swashed an' monsters be slain. Raise yer tankard in one hand, yer cutlass in t' other, and charge!

Captain on Deck - Muster Up, Me Hearties!

Aye, our communication failures be fixed, and Captain Stephanie be ready to take the helm. But she be in need o' a crew. So rouse yerselves from yer turkey comas, muster yer best elitist bastardry, and get on deck by end o' day Friday.

If ye've never sailed before, here's how ye join the crew:

1. Pick a blog post o' yours that hits the stupid where it hurts.

2. Send us the link at elitistbastardscarnival@gmail.com.

That be it. What could be more easy? Ye can write about anything ye like - we take all manner o' intelligent and interesting discourse.

See ye aboard!

Our Captain Be Missing in Action

As ye know, our Captain Stephanie just went through surgery.  I haven't heard if she be up for helmin' the ship, so we be awaiting word.  Raise a tankard to her health, me hearties!

We'll stay in port an extra week, and if Captain Stephanie be ready t' take the helm then, it be hers.  If not, yer admiral will step up t' the wheel.  We be castin' off on the weekend o' December 5th.  Get yer submissions in to elitistbastardscarnival@gmail.com no later than Friday the 4th.

Ye've got extra time, so I expect yer very best elitist bastardry!

Sailing into November with a kick-ass crew

Did ye think we'd never get away from the dock? Hah! The Elitist Bastard is cutting water and breaking ice. And woe betide any con ships that cross her path this month! Get the top-secret skinny on her mission at Decrepit Old Fool: Carnival Of The Elitist Bastards, the "it's for research" edition.

It's readily apparent I'm no sea-dog, but luckily the crew is fully seasoned!

Ye Have Until Midnight, Mateys

Captain George be keepin' the gangplank down 'till Midnight tonight.  Ye still have time to get aboard wi' yer treasures!  And there be plenty o' berths left, so finish yer drink, grab yer loot, and board ship!  Send yer best elitist bastardry to elitistbastardscarnival@gmail.com or ye'll be wishin' ye had!

Finish Yer Drink and Load the Ship!

It be that time again, me hearties.  Captain George be lookin' fer yer bounty.  Grab yer best elitist bastardry and get yerselves aboard.  We leave port on Halloween - ye don't want to be left behind!

For those o' ye who haven't sailed afore, it be this easy:

1. Pick a blog post o' yours that hits the stupid where it hurts.

2. Send us the link at elitistbastardscarnival@gmail.com.

That be it.

And if ye should stumble across any prime Elitist Bastardry that tisn't yers but ye'd still like to see aboard, send me a link to that, too. We're pirates, after all - and what good are pirates who can't find a little plunder?

See ye aboard!

Capitanos

Aye, our officer corps be fillin' quickly.  Here be yer captains for t' next several months:

October - George W at Decrepit Old Fool

November - Stephanie at Almost Diamonds

December - Last Hussar at Last Hussar's Barracks 

January - Cujo at Slobber and Spittle

February - Chris at Lud in the Mist

There still be room for captains, if ye've got the hankering.  Email me at elitistbastardscarnival@gmail.com if ye decide ye want yer chance at the helm!

Even if ye don't plan to command the ship just yet, ye're wanted on the crew.  Ye can send us yer submissions any time.  Remember - we sail in in two short weeks!

Have Ye Got a Little Captain In Ye?

Ye know ye have.  And ye know ye want t' take the helm o' the HMS Elitist Bastard.  We've plenty o' commands open, so pick yer month (and an alternate in case another captain gets there first) and email me yer choices at elitistbastardscarnival@gmail.com.

Here's what we've available:

October 31st - November 1st

December 26th - 27th

January 30th - 31st

February 27th - 28th

March 27th - 28th

Helmin' the ship be simple.  I send ye the links, ye post the links on yer blog, and perhaps spin us a wee tale to boot.  Have ye got it in ye?

O' course ye do!  So sign on, take the helm, and show the world what Elitist Bastard Captains be made of!

Carnival of the Elitist Bastards XVII: Off to the Academic Archipelago

We be off to the Academic Archipelago, sailing from home port at the cantina - but not before a nice sing-song!  Enjoy the voyage, me hearties.

Out o' the Taverns and Git on the Ship, Ye Scurvy Dogs!

Ye've got until Saturday night t' git yer links in to elitistbastardscarnival@gmail.com. I be expecting a full crew. Don't ye make me come in there an' drag ye out!

Besides, the grog on the HMS Elitist Bastard be better than anything the landlubbers be pourin', and ye know it.

See ye aboard, my beautiful bastards.

Git Yer Booty on the Boat!

Shore leave be over, me hearties! Time to git yer best Elitist Bastardry on board and set out in search o' stupidity to sink. Show off all the knowledge ye've plundered from the land lubbers. There be rum, romance, and rewards awaitin' ye!

Yer very own Admiral shall be takin' the helm, and we be sailin' right from the cantina here on September 27th. Ye've got until the evenin' o' the 26th to send me yer link. For those o' ye who haven't yet sailed with the Elitist Bastards, but believe yer Elitist Bastard enough t' join the crew, the requirements be simple:

1. Pick a blog post o' yours that hits the stupid where it hurts.

2. Send us the link at elitistbastardscarnival@gmail.com.

That be it.

And if ye should stumble across any prime Elitist Bastardry that tisn't yers but ye'd still like to see aboard, send me a link to that, too. We're pirates, after all - and what good are pirates who can't find a little plunder?

See ye aboard!

Carnival of the Elitist Bastards XVI: Embarrassment of Booty

COTEB XVI be up at Quiche Moraine. 'Twas a good voyage. Everybody died!

Ye'll have t' read t' whole story to find out what happened next...

One More Day to Get Aboard!

We be sailin' this weekend, me hearties, and most o' ye still seem to be in the taverns. Rouse yerselves and man yer posts! Submissions need to be in by end o' day Friday, or ye won't be part o' this next epic journey o' the HMS Elitist Bastard.

So pick yer best Elitist Bastardly post (or two, or e'en three if ye're Bastard enough) and send it in to http://www.blogger.com/elitistbastardscarnival@gmail.com.

Ye've Ten Days t' Get Aboard!

Aye, it be that time again! Extract yerselves from the dens o' iniquity (where ye've been discussing philosophy o'er the finest wine, right? Right?). Send me a link to yer finest Elitist Bastardry no later than Friday, August 28th. We be sailin' wi' Captain Stephanie from Quiche Moraine, and she be intendin' to sail wi' a full crew.

For those o' ye who've watched the Bastards sail and think ye might be o' proper caliber for such an illustrious crew, here be the requirements:

1. Pick a blog post o' yours that hits the stupid where it hurts.

2. Send us the link.

That be it.

See ye aboard!

Carnival of the Elitist Bastards XV: Storm the Beaches!

COTEB XV be up at the Coffee-Stained Writer. Captain NP threw us a beach party worthy o' the name o' Elitist Bastard!

So rather than hopping from port to port, we'll be hopping from lounger to lounger, towel to towel, taking in the relaxed, rum-drunk rhetoric of our crew, giving them a bit of a break before they take back to the choppy waters that will be sure to meet them next month.

Aye, I feel refreshed already! Grab yer cocktail and join us on the beach for a bit o' well-deserved R&R. Huzzah!

Last Chance to Get Yer Treasure Aboard

NP be takin' all the Elitist Bastards she can muster aboard. Ye don't want to miss a nice trip to the beach, now, do ye? Get yer best elitist bastardry submitted to elitistbastardscarnival@gmail.com by end o' day Friday so ye're assured plenty o' sand, sun and rum.

Besides, ye don't want to miss yer chance to sunbathe with a celebrity, do ye? That's right - we have a new sailor this time out, and he be famous among skeptics. Ye'll be tellin' yer grandchildren about the time ye sailed alongside o' the illustrious Pirate X - but only if ye get aboard the ship on time.

Git Yer Bums on t' Beach!

NP be docking the HMS Elitist Bastard and takin' the crew out for a little R n R on the beach. Ye know ye'll want t' be a part o' that! All ye have to do in order to enjoy a wee bit o' sun and fun is get yer submission in to elitistbastardscarnival@gmail.com by the end o' day Friday, July 24th.

For those o' ye who've never yet sailed wi' us, 'tis simplicity itself. Here be the simple requirements:

1. Pick a blog post o' yours that hits the stupid where it hurts.

2. Send us the link.

That be it.

For some Elitist Bastard inspiration, ye can peruse Roger Ebert's fine demonstration here. He be one o' us, as Captain Blake mentioned to me.

Which brings me to our next subject: if ye're raidin' the blogosphere and come across a fine bit o' elitist bastardry, ye can send us the link for press gangin' purposes. As long as it's in by Monday, I can wrestle the unsuspecting soul aboard.

We also be runnin' low on Captains, so if ye want to helm the ship, send me word.

That be it. I expect an inbox flooded with Elitist Bastardry come the deadline. Don't miss the beach party the way ye missed Captain John's birthday party.

Carnival of the Elitist Bastards XIV: ARRRGGGG!

COTEB XIV be up at Captain John's place, and now I be understandin' why so many o' ye missed the boat. 'Tis better if ye drink yer grog in pints, not barrels, me hearties.

Still an' all, we ended up with a robust (if groaning) crew, and Captain John's birthday sailing proved a rousing success.

Special thanks this voyage to George at Decrepit Old Fool, Steve at Science-Based Medicine, Barbara at ICBS Everywhere, Z from It's the Thought that Counts, Heather from Steingruebl World Enterprises, and Cujo359 from Slobber and Spittle. Ye did yer ship proud, sailors!

I hope those o' ye we press-ganged be flattered. Ye wouldn't have wanted to miss the party, now, would ye?

Let's have a rousing cheer for Captain John, who helmed the ship on his birthday, and ensured smooth sailing - always important for those wi' a bit o' a hangover!

HUZZAH!

I Am A Disappointed Admiral - and Somewhere, a Pirate Lawyer is Crying

Look what you've done to poor Captain John:


Yes, you. You know how many Elitist Bastards answered this months' call?

4.

People. Not only is there an infinity of stupidity needing bashing out there, you've all let John down on his birthday.

I'm so disappointed I can't even talk pirate right now. And Captain John - well, here's a reconstruction of his current state:


This situation must be rectified. If you merely forgot to submit, get your submission in to elitistbastardscarnival@gmail.com immediately. If you didn't think you had anything worth submitting, find something anyway - you're Elitist Bastards, your every word drips with immeasurable intellect. If you're new and have no idea what's going on, here are the requirements:

1. Pick one (or more) of your blog posts that blasts ignorance or celebrates some aspect of wisdom, or if you're really ambitious, does both.

2. Send us the link.

Is that hard? Not at all. Do you have any excuse not to submit a post? None.

I want the COTEB inbox full to the bursting. You have until Sunday morning to wriggle back into John's and my good graces. Otherwise, you will have to live with the fact that you've made John sad on his birthday.

Yer Captain's Got a Motivational Speech for Ye

I'll take it as a personal affront if there is not a plethora of material. You don't want a lawyer with delusions of being a pirate to be pissed at you.

Besides, it's my birthday and, if it isn't a good Carnival, I might cry. If there's anything that you don't want to see more than a pissed lawyer with delusions of being a pirate, its a lawyer with delusions of being a pirate crying.

He be right about that, me hearties. I think ye'd better get yer Elitist Bastardly links in to elitistbastardscarnival@gmail.com as soon as possible. If ye're any later than Friday night, a fate worse than drowning in an ocean o' stupidity may befall us.

We Be Deploying Soon!

Captain John Pieret be looking for a few good Elitist Bastards for this month's voyage of the HMS Elitist Bastard. I know it be short notice, but I also know that most o' ye haven't been on vacation, so ye've got plenty o' Elitist Bastardry lying about yer blogs. Get those links in to mailto:%20elitistbastardscarnival@gmail.com by end o' day this Friday, the 26th o' June. Let's ensure Captain John sails wi' a full ship.

Carnival of the Elitist Bastards XIII: Ports o' Call

COTEB XIII be up at En Tequila Es Verdad, me hearties. Yo, ho!

Last Day to Bring Me Yer Treasures

Well, I be gettin' ahead o' meself, since I haven't got much o' yer booty yet. Be gettin' those links in to elitistbastardscarnival@gmail.com by the end o' the day Friday. I plan to have this ship's hold full o' Elitist Bastardry. Don't make me sail over to yer blog and raid ye, now!

For those o' ye wondering what ye should submit, here be the simple requirements:

1. Pick a blog post o' yours that hits the stupid where it hurts.

2. Send it in.

That be it. And I don't want to hear yer excuses - I been readin' yer blogs, and I know each and every one o' ye's already posted some fine elitist bastardry.

I'll see ye all aboard come Saturday, or I'll be boarding ye come Saturday, whichever's required.

Our Captain's Down, but We Sail Yet!

Most o' ye know our Captain George had a wee mishap. He be on the mend, but the doctors have yet to pronounce him fit for duty. That means yer Admiral's taking the helm this voyage. We'll have to be quick about it - I be headin' to Arizona this weekend, and that be no place to sail a ship from!

Get yer Elitist Bastard links to me at elitistbastardscarnival@gmail.com by end o' day Friday. I know it be short notice, but I also know ye've got plenty o' elitist bastardry already posted this month, so ye've nothing to worry about.

See ye on board, me hearties!

Carnival of the Elitist Bastards XII: In Hot Pursuit of the Faux Nouvelle

Dear, oh dear. I see I forgot to cross-post last month's launch announcement. Time to remedy that:


Captain Cujo's launched us on a rousing adventure on the high seas for COTEB XII, me hearties. It be one o' the most exciting sailings we've had yet. Pour yerselves some grog and raise yer glasses in a rousing HUZZAH!

And an equally rousing mea culpa from yer Admiral, Cujo. Ye get extra rum rations next sailing!

Last Day in Port

Out o' the taverns and onto the ship wi' ye! Submit yer posts for the Carnival of the Elitist Bastards by the end o' tonight, or we be sailin' without ye. And none o' us want that, now, do we?

Get Yer Treasure in the Chest

We be setting sail from Slobber and Spittle next weekend - submissions are due no later than the end of day Friday, and ye know ye don't want to be left behind. I've seen only one o' ye step aboard - surely there's more elitist bastards out there. Send Captain Cujo yer links!

I've noticed a dramatic decline in new recruits of late. This won't do. Allow me to repeat meself: For any o' ye who've never sailed, but think ye might be Elitist Bastard enough to sign on, now's yer chance! Let's review the requirements:

1. Write a blog post that blasts ignorance or celebrates some aspect o' wisdom, or if ye be really ambitious, does both.

2. Post yer post.

3. Send us the link no later than the deadline, or ye be dead in the water.

Simplicity itself, innit? Which means no o' ye should be left sittin' on the docks when we sail.

That Howl Be Yer Captain Callin' For Ye

It be that time again, time for all good Elitist Bastards to write their posts and send in their links. Captain Cujo be wantin' yer submissions as soon as ye can get them to 'im. Get 'em in to elitistbastardscarnival at gmail dot com. We be sailing on the weekend o' the 25th - don't ye be left on the docks!

Carnival of the Elitist Bastards XI: "We Prefer the Term 'Awesome.'"

The eleventh sailing of the HMS Elitist Bastard's up at Z's place. We be organized elitist bastards this time round: we left port on time and in good order. Huzzah! Settle yerselves in yer hammocks and enjoy a long, leisurely sail with some of the smartest bastards on the intertoobz.

All Aboard!

'Tis that time. If ye haven't jumped aboard with yer submission clenched in yer teeth, ye'd better get leaping. I want to see all o' ye on the ship by the end o' day Friday. Captain Z be expectin' ye! Email yer submissions and prepare to make mayhem!

Captains and Submissions Call

The HMS Elitist Bastard won't be wanting for leadership over the next few months. We've some mighty fine Captains taking the helm.

March 28-29 - Z at It's the Thought That Counts

April 25-26 - Cujo359 at Slobber and Spittle

May 30-31 - George at Decrepit Old Fool

June 27-28 - John Pieret at Thoughts in a Haystack

July 25-26 - NP at The Coffee-Stained Writer

August 29-30 - Open

September 26-27 - Open

October 31-Nov. 1 - Open

November 28-29 - Open

December 26-27 - Open

Commands are going fast. Ye'd best get yours while there's still a chance!

If ye're worried ye can't steer a ship as elitist as the HMS Elitist Bastard, ye can put those fears to rest. 'Tis simplicity itself for true Elitist Bastards:

1. Ye must know how to create a hyperlink.

2. Ye bring posts full o' various Elitist Bastardry together in fun and creative ways.

3. Then ye sit back and enjoy the warm glow o' a job well done - or the warmer glow o' rum, whichever's the warmer for ye.

Ye don't even have to muster up a crew - yer Admiral does that for ye. There's still room for five o' ye, so volunteer yerself.

It also be time to get yer submissions in for March's sailing. I know ye've got something suitable, so send me those links no later than Friday, March 27th. Captain Z be expecting ye!

Who Be Helmin' the Ship?

Aye, so it does. We've only three weeks afore the next sailin', and we've no captains. The HMS Elitist Bastard needs enterprisin' elitists to helm her. Should ye be interested, email Admiral Dana at mailto:%20elitistbastardscarnival@gmail.com with yer name, yer blog, and the month ye want to take the wheel. Make sure ye include a second choice just in case ye missed the boat. Dates we leave port are below:

March 28th

April 25th

May 30th (our Anniversary!)

June 27th

July 25th

August 29th

September 26th

October 31st

November 28th

December 26th

See ye at the helm, my future captains!

Carnival of the Elitist Bastards X: HC SVNT DRACONES

Here be dragons, me hearties. Your admiral got COTEB X up at last. Our dragonslayers be outstanding. Enjoy!

Our Mission Be Delayed

February be a short month, and Admiral Dana be dealin' with shipwrecks. We'll spend an extra week in port - shore leave for the lot o' ye! Just have yerselves on board by Thursday the 5th o' March - we be sailin' next Friday! Those o' ye who've already boarded get extra rations o' rum this voyage.

The Ship Sails Yet - Get Aboard, Ye Elitist Bastards!

Captain Chaos ran afoul o' the dreaded Ship o' Life, and is limping to port to make repairs. But we'll be launching wi' yer Admiral at the helm. The HMS Elitist Bastard will be sailing from her home port, En Tequila Es Verdad, on the 28th o' February. I wants a full crew, so get yer elitist bastardry aboard by Friday the 27th.

For any o' ye who've never sailed, but think ye might be Elitist Bastard enough to sign on, now's yer chance! Let's review the requirements:

1. Write a blog post that blasts ignorance or celebrates some aspect o' wisdom, or if ye be really ambitious, does both.

2. Post yer post.

3. Send us the link no later than the deadline, or ye be dead in the water.

Simplicity itself, innit? Which means no o' ye should be left sittin' on the docks when we sail. Admiral Dana be hatching a special plot, and none o' ye'll want to miss it.

Carnival of the Elitist Bastards IX: Keepin' yer wits about ye

Aye, the HMS Elitist Bastard's sailed from the Port o' Ecstathy. Captain Efrique has steered the ship a course for treasure, he has. There be wisdom an' wealth an' a wee bit o' a brain teaser for ye! Get o'er there and get yer booty afore it be gone!

Aye, Yer Captain Be Callin' Ye

Captain Efrique shall be taking the HMS Elitist Bastard into the maw of ignorance once more come January 31st, and he'll be needin' ye aboard. Ye've been wanting to shove some wisdom down ignorance's throat, me hearties, haven't ye? Get yer submissions in no later than January 30th.

Time to man the ship, prime the guns, and win another battle for Elitist Bastardry!